Keanu Reeves’ bogus journey

"Whoa!"

This is one of the funniest stories of a crazy loon obsessed with a celebrity I’ve ever heard. A woman, Karen Sala, filed a lawsuit against Actor Keanu Reeves, claiming that he is the father of her four kids, all of whom are now adults (now aged 25, 23, 22 and 21) who must certainly be incredibly embarrassed by their insane mother.

Sala is demanding $3 million a month in spousal support and $150,000 a month in retroactive child support. Now it certainly wouldn’t be the first time a celebrity was caught in a sex scandal, though four illegitimate kids from the same woman is probably up there in Thomas Jefferson territory.

However, there’s a little matter of evidence. DNA testing conclusively shows Reeves is not the father, so Sala does what every great lunatic since the dawn of time has done: deny, deny, deny. He response to the DNA evidence against her is to question the validity of the test:

Court heard Thursday that Sala raised several issues with the DNA results, including the possibility of tampering or that Reeves used hypnosis to affect the results.

That’s right, Neo used his hypnotic superpowers to tamper with the DNA test.

But that’s not even the craziest part of her story. . .not even close:

Sala maintained she had a sexual relationship with Reeves before, during and after her marriage, that they lived together and that he was present at the birth of some of her kids.

Reeves has vehemently denied ever having met the woman.

. . .

“I do know for a fact that he is the biological father,” Sala, who represented herself, told the judge, adding that she had proof but could not show it to the court.

She said she had known Reeves since she was four or five, as Reeves grew up down the street from her. She didn’t connect him to the actor until much later, because she always knew him by several different names, she said.

“I didn’t know he was Keanu Reeves,” Sala said. “To me he was Marty Spencer.”

Wow. Just wow. But good thinking not showing the court the smoking gun evidence. The last people you should be showing the evidence to is the court trying your case. Everyone knows that.

Oh, and Keanu’s hypnosis powers apparently allow him to travel back in time too in order to turn even the documents in her divorce procedures against her:

Lawyer Lorne Wolfson, representing Reeves, suggested Sala’s ex-husband is in fact the father of the children, as is stated in documents in their divorce proceedings.

Et tu, carefully researched legal documents from the past?

Sala declined to bring a motion to have her ex-husband’s DNA tested and refused to produce her children’s birth certificates, Wolfson said.

Yeah, why would you want to disprove the defendant’s far more likely alternative explanation when you can just keep the trial going for no apparent reason? Good thinking there, Sala.

In her affidavit, Sala suggested Reeves uses hypnosis and disguises himself as different people, including her ex-husband, Wolfson said.

You’d think such powers would make Reeves a far better actor than he is, wouldn’t you? I mean, my god, have you seen Bram Stoker’s Dracula?

Judge Fred Graham told a Barrie, Ont., court that Sala’s allegations were “so incredible” no reasonable judge would accept them.

The judge also said a trial would be “a waste of limited judicial resources.”

And Reeves’ attorney said:

“Her evidence is, at best, incredible,” Wolfson said. “There is clearly no triable issue.”

But wouldn’t this have just been the best trial ever? Few people wear crazy so well it becomes a fashion statement. But hell, at least she’s less crazy than Alex Jones. . .

. . .or is she?

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