As you all know, last Saturday at 6pm was The Rapture. But after I was raptured up into Heaven, imagine my surprise when I discovered that I was the only one that got an invite. It seems that no one other than myself was deemed worthy by God to saved.
But the reason I choose to return to Earth instead of stay in Heaven is two-fold. One, I need to help Harold Camping get the word out that God’s giving all you filthy, wretched sinners a second chance by having another Rapture on October 21st. Of course, Camping , liar that he is, is trying to spin it as The Rapture having not happened yet to avoid having to admit he just wasn’t worthy like me.
The other reason I’m back is because Heaven is fuckin’ the most boring place ever! There’s nobody there except Jim Jones and his 909 followers (yup, turns out The People’s Temple was the one, true religion–who would’ve thought?). And there’s nothing there except lots of milk and honey. I like milk as much as the next guy but you can’t even get chocolate milk because chocolate leads to sin.
The one good thing about heaven was that Mary was there, and she’s amazing in the sack. No wonder Jesus fucked her so he could be born even though technically he could have chosen any means of coming to Earth that he pleased.
Anywho, I’m back until the next Rapture. And in the meantime, my divine mission is to continue to expose the liars, cheats, charlatans, and frauds so that more people can be enlightened enough to get Raptured in October.
- Rapture Predictor Harold Camping: Apocalypse Rescheduled for October 21 [The Rapture] (gawker.com)
- Third Time’s A Charm: Harold Camping Says Rapture Definitely Happening On October 21 (mediaite.com)
- Apocalypse still imminent: Rapture now coming in October (guardian.co.uk)