1. Dozens of ‘psychics’ warn that ‘something big’ will happen at some point some time in the future…but then they start getting vague – I’d swear this was an Onion article but tragically, this is presented as “real” news:
Wednesday was a hotbed of psychic activity as readings poured in from all over the country from psychics warning that “something big” is coming down the pike. They could not hone in on exactly what it was, but said “it is big, really big.”
Really guys? Dozens of pyschics and this is the best you can do? Apparently yes, which is why reporters desperate to keep their jobs tried to help the psychics out:
Reporters were asking all the right questions, but the psychics were very vague. “Is it another volcanic eruption?” asked one reporter. “Could be,” replied one psychic. “Could there be another terrorist attempt on Americans?” asked another reporter. “I am thinking that it might be something big like that, but maybe not specifically that,” replied another psychic.
. . .
One psychic who is particularly sensitive to seismic activity said that she felt that sometime in the near future, there was going to be another earthquake…
Another earthquake?! Now we’re getting somewhere!!
…but when asked where it would be and how strong it would be, all she could tell us was that it was going to be big, maybe not big like the one in Haiti, but maybe bigger than the one in Chile; she just couldn’t say.
Son of a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!
One frustrated reporter finally gave up. “I’m going shopping today for one of those eight balls that gives you “yes” or “no” answers to your questions because quite honestly, I have a better chance of getting a straight answer with that gizmo than with some of these so-called psychics.”
So what have we learned? Some day in the future something like an earthquake will hit somewhere at some intensity. Aren’t psychics amazing?
2. Apple tells STD psychic healing app to go iFuck itself – After initially approving a new “distance healing” app for warts, Apple remembered this was the 21st century and booted that shit out of the Apple store. Here’s how its works:
The faithful who bought a copy of Wart Healer were asked to take a photograph of their wart which is sent to the “professional mental healer”, who spends the next 111 days thinking about it after which “first effects are visible”.
Wow, 111 days! Wow that’s almost as good as just waiting for it to go away on its own. And it only costs $12.99 more!
3. Psychics gather in Brazil for religious ceremony – Now I can accept the space alien stuff but this quote makes my head hurt:
“Our doctrine is founded on Christian spiritualism that believes in reincarnation as a basic principle. We believe that we have already lived in different times.”
Ah yes, the Bible is all about the reincarnation. What book was that in again? Genesis?
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