Well it’s that time of year again, folks. This is when every “psychic” crawls out from under the rock they came from to make predictions about the coming year. These predictions tend to be a combination of guessing events likely to happen, longshot guesses that will look particularly impressive if they happen to occur, doomsaying that usually involves the economy going down because that’s usually a sure thing, and really fantastical mystical or science fictiony guesses that have no chance of happening. I don’t know why anyone bothers with the last category. Then there’s the classic trick of making the same plausible prediction each year so that it’s likely to come true eventually. For instance, if you predict that Lindsey Lohan will get pregnant every year it probably won’t be long before it comes true.
Oh, and the last trick that’s employed by some of the more famous “psychics” is to simply go in and edit their own pages to retrofit predictions to seem more remarkably accurate and more specific than you remember their predictions being when they were first made. For instance, it’d be kind of weird if you saw a famous “psychic’s” predictions for 2008 include the passing of young Heath Ledger–seems like the kind of unlikely prediction you would have remembered, right? Of course some people will have the audacity of screen saving their predictions so they can compare their pages then and now.
Here’s a short recap at some of the epic fails of predictors for the past year.
Here’s a look at one mystic’s predictions published in the New York Times back in 1909 about the year 2009.
Then of course there’s Pat Robertson, who apparently gets text messages from God himself every January that foretell the events of the coming year. . .very inaccurately. Of course the big trick is to highlight the hits while ignoring all the misses and when foretelling doom that never occurs just saying that God changed his mind because people prayed so hard.
Here’s Pat Robertson’s predictions for this coming year:
Now last year I made a blog on my Myspace page addressing the “psychic” predictions made of the previous year and made my own list of “psychic” predictions to see if I could outdo the “psychics.” I plan to do this again in the next few days but here I’d like to repost my old blog from last year unedited except that I will put the predictions I got right or close to right in BOLD along with some possible comments in parentheses. So here we go:
From January 20, 2008:
Predictions for 2008
Well, it’s the beginning of a new year, and you know what that means. Yup, all the psychics and evangelical nuts are making their amazing predictions for the events that will unfold in the coming year, a remarkable number of which will oddly require no psychic powers at all.
Here are some of the psychics who have predictions already out there:
The Psychic Twins (Seems like these predictions are A LOT MORE SPECIFIC than I remember them being back in January. Hmm, how strange? And really, really accurate. What are the odds??)
Nikki Psychic To The Stars (includes her past years predictions!)
Of course, then there’s Pat Robertson
Wow, it’s a good thing God stopped last year’s terrorist attack or else one might have thought Robertson was WRONG about a prediction that seemed like a fairly likely possibility to those who don’t receive text messages from God but simply read the news, you know, not like this year’s prediction of a worsening economy. I mean, what are the odds of that under President Bush, right? Right?
For more about the psychics making predictions about the coming year, see: The Skeptics’ Guide To The Universe Podcast (1/2/08 episode)
But those psychics don’t know what they’re talking about, so I’m going to reveal what will REALLY HAPPEN IN 2008:
-Jesus will not return in 2008, leading hundreds of millions of Christians to wait longer. (Point for me)
-But guess who will return in 2008–that’s right. Van Halen featuring one of their previous singers. (Okay, I think it was Guns N Roses. Close enough, right?)
-The U.S. economy will get worse. (Point for me)
-The troops will not return from Iraq in 2008, but The Bush Administration will proudly announce that we’re winning…though not enough to bring the troops home.. (Point for me)
-Brittney Spears will trade in her mild Texan Chistianity and her Kabbalah bracelet and will “really” find Jesus. (Doh!)
-Paris Hilton will also join a cult/religion and begin serving as an activist for the group. (Okay, she didn’t join a cult but she was sort of involved in activism. Anyone else remember that anti-McCain commercial she did?)
-Ron Paul will make a 45-minute speech that only includes the words “Freedom” and “Constitution.” (I’m sure this is true. Just the media didn’t care enough to cover it)
–Hilary Clinton will be elected the 44th president of the U.S. (Doh!)
-The Church of Scientology will sue somebody. (Did I nail it or what?)
-A single suicide bomber will kill hundreds in the Middle East. (Okay, it wasn’t hundreds because God decided to spare a lot of people)
-The Bush Administration will be involved in a major scandal. (Goes without saying)
-No evidence that 9/11 was an inside job will surface.
-After decades of investigation, Dr. Stanton Friedman will still fail to provide physical evidence that extraterrestrials crashed in Roswell, New Mexico.
-The terrorist attack Pat Robertson predicted in 2007 will not occur in 2008 either.
-The ghosts that talk to John Edwards will continue to feed him mostly bad information. (Another point for me)
-The New York Yankees will win The World Series. (Doh!)
-Lance Armstrong will run in The New York City Marathon and beat last year’s time.(Doh!)
-David and Victoria Beckham will get divorced.(Doh!)
-Lindsey Lohan will get a DWI and star in a reality TV series called “Lohen Behold.” (Okay, she didn’t have a reality show but her family did, so I was damned close)
-Jupiter will be in line with Mars and the Sun will be perpendicular to the Moon.
–Uri Geller will prove his psychic abilities by having someone secretly choose one of five shapes and correctly predicting that they’ve selected the Star in the second position in the list.
-Ben Stein’s mockumentary “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed” will win a Razzie Award. (Time will tell, but it was certainly panned by critics)
-Archaeologists will unearth the fossil remains of over a dozen new species. Creationists will ignore these finds.
-Jack Thompson will attribute a school shooting to videogame violence (Another point for me)
-February will have a 29th day. (Another point for me)
-“Indiana Jones and The Temple of the Crystal Skull” will break box office records in its opening weekend. (Doh!)
-An evangelical will claim that the end of the world is happening this year and will provide an exact date. The next day, when the world hasn’t ended, he’ll inform us that God saved us because of our faith. He’ll then sheepishly stop talking about it.
-I won’t pay my exorcist and will be repossessed.
-And the Writer’s Strike will prevent this Oracle from finishing his predictions for the year of